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Ode to Mother’s Day!

15 years ago, while still pregnant with my oldest child, I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day, the sole day of the year in which mothers are honored by their children … since that time as a mother I have experienced so many fabulous things:

 While pregnant I…
  • Had more blood taken then you’d find at a crime scene
  • Had my organs shifted only to be eventually jumped on
  • Had strangers try and touch me; mastered the bob and weave
  • Had swollen feet, face and boobs
  • Became anemic three times
  • Became constipated from the Iron pills to treat the anemia
  • Eventually pooped black tar from being constipated on Iron pills
  • Burped up prenatal pills all day
  • Pee’d in a cup weekly
  • Pee’d in public restrooms daily
  • Pee’d in my pants constantly
  • Bought stock in Coco Butter
  • Acquired many new growths and spots on my previously perfect skin
  • And eventually spent unmedicated hours in excruciating pain pushing 3 little people out of me which does wonders to the already displaced organs, not to mention the vagina
 Then as a mother of new borns I…
  • Was pissed on, shit on and puked on; separately if I was lucky
  • Changed 20,000 diapers
  • Changed more sheets then a ‘No Tell Motel’ and guessing more frequently
  • Lactated, pumped and quite honestly milked at the sound of any crying child in a 10 mile radius
  • Assisted with burping, farting and pooping
  • Bathed, feed and groomed
  • Lotioned, rocked, and soothed
  • Taught crawling, walking, and talking
  • And sang lullabies on a loop
  • All while reading the same books over and over and over
Next as a mother of toddlers I…
  • Taught pee’ing standing up
  • Taught pee’ing sitting down
  • Taught pooping always sitting
  • Taught brushing teeth and hair
  • Taught manners and sharing
  • Taught how to eat with utensils
  • Taught dressing and shoe tying
  • Kissed boo boo’s, dolls and fears away
  • Wiped tears, snot and residual poop
  • Removed foreign objects from foreign places
  • Had tea parties, car races and talked to stuffed animals
  • Stepped on Lego’s in the dark and held back my screams
  • And most importantly, found the Disney Channel when on vacation
  • All while reading the same books over and over and over
 Eventually as a mother of school aged kids I…
  • Was escort to three first day’s of school
  • Attended back to school nights
  • Attended performances
  • Attended parent teacher conferences
  • Attended countless birthday parties
  • Chauffeured to play-dates
  • Chauffeured to dance and gymnastics
  • Chauffeured to football and basketball
  • And for that I heard ‘NO’, ‘I hate you’ and ‘you’re the worst mother ever’
  • All while making sure they read new books over and over and over
Now as a mother of teenagers I …
  • Learned that I don’t know anything
  • Learned not to question new odors, stains or words
  • Learned open communication may be better in theory
  • Take the word of other parents that they still have manners
  • Believe an epidural should last at least 18 years
  • And am really looking forward to their 20’s
  • All while asking them when was the last time you read a book over and over and over
In addition, I’ve been on call 24/7 to be…
a doctor, nurse, dentist, teacher, tutor, counselor, coach, referee, restaurant, maid, taxi, hairdresser, manicurist, fashion consultant, laundry mat, pillow, blanket, chair, tour guide, event planner, overall entertainment specialist and of course bank (none of which can be put on a resume)
Furthermore, for all that joy and unconditional love, I continuously sacrifice…
my body, hygiene, wardrobe, sleep, privacy, overpriced sports car, life’s savings and obviously sanity
So clearly I can see where 15 days out of a mere 5,475 is an overwhelming amount of thank you’s for any one woman to handle …
But truth be told, I didn’t become a mother to be thanked or praised, just to be the best mother I could be; and while it’s still a daily uphill battle, I wouldn’t change a second of the constant kid chaos for all the money in the world …

Wishing every woman out there, if you have children of your own or have wiped the nose or ass of someone else’s, a fabulous Mother’s Day!

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